Nowhere home

There is a place somewhere that is called home. I used to know where that place was; I used to live there. I have a vague memory of the green of the fields, the deep blue of its oceans, the copper brown on people’s skin. If I made a great effort now, I could taste the grapefruit and the mangoes. I could hear the dogs barking and the birds singing in the blossoming trees. I do remember a girl; she looked just like me, and I remember tiny freckles on her face and walking barefoot. I was surrounded by all the magnificence of that magical place and never was I aware of it. I took it for granted. It was a beautiful place.

 

I saw it again, not very long ago. Home felt like a stranger, as does the place that surrounds me now. I went home and found it foreign, distant, changed...did it change? Did I change? I enjoyed the blue skies, the pinks, purples, oranges, and reds of its flowers and the shiny greens of the mountains. I let the sun kiss my skin and I kissed the sun back. How delicious were the kisses of that sun! I delighted myself with the taste and smell of fresh coffee and shared time with loving people; people I used to know back home, people that don’t grasp my meaning of home.

 

There is another place somewhere that felt like home. I ventured into a journey to that place, not very long ago. I didn’t know where that place was; I had never been there before. My heart, though longing for them, was not ready for the majesty of those landscapes, the green of those fields, the deep blue of that ocean, the copper brown of other skin. I was longing to see that place; I was longing to see any place that gave me the feeling of home and that place did…and a heart I found there did. Yet my lips were not ready for the kisses of a new sun. My mind was not ready for the power of a new love. Our tongues twisted in desperate kisses of eternal desires and evasive love. Our arms wrapped around our warm, pulsating bodies, so hungry, so passionate. Our minds lost in the desert of solitude and destiny. And I broke. And so did the new sun.

 

My heart aches; I was there and I longed for here, now I am here and long for there. I am caught in the middle of a storm and everywhere I see there is past, present, and future revolting and turning above my head, not letting me think, not letting me feel. I am back in the place that I longed for back home. It is a dark place made of stone and iron where the craziest dreams come true and the hearts die of solitude and cold. I now am very far away from the kisses of the sun and only the moon shines down on me, kissing me every night with her cold, magical white lips. The ice layer that surrounds my heart grows thicker as the fire of my desire grows stronger. I wish I was there with my body; I wish I was here with my soul. I wish I had two bodies and two hearts and be able to love you freely, completely, gently. I wish I had those your copper brown arms around me, making me feel home.